Why Breastfeeding Feels So Hard in the Beginning (And When It Gets Easier)

"It is the most natural thing in the world."

If someone said that to you in the early days and you wanted to cry, you are in good company.

Natural does not mean easy. It does not mean painless.

And it does not mean you and your baby know what to do from day one.

Here is why the start feels so hard, and what actually helps.

1. You are both learning a new skill

Your baby is born with feeding reflexes, like rooting and sucking. Turning them into a deep, comfortable latch takes practice.

You are learning too: how to hold your baby and read their cues.

KK Women's and Children's Hospital describes breastfeeding as an acquired skill, one that takes guidance and support to build.

Between confinement nannies, mums and mothers-in-law, advice will come from every direction. When it conflicts, a lactation consultant can help you sort it out.

2. Small, frequent feeds are normal

In the first few days, your breasts make colostrum. It comes in small amounts and is rich in nutrition and antibodies.

Small can feel like not enough. For most babies, it is exactly right.

Newborns usually feed at least 8 to 12 times in 24 hours. Around day 2 to 4, your breasts start to feel fuller as your milk comes in.

If the second night feels endless, our guide to cluster feeding explains why.

3. Why it hurts, and when it should not

Some tenderness in the early days is common, especially as your baby first latches on.

But ongoing soreness is usually a sign that the latch or position needs a small change, not something to push through [3].

Ask for help early if:

- it hurts at every feed, not just the first few moments
- your nipples crack or bleed
- your nipple looks flattened, wedged or white after a feed 

Try not to cut feeds short to "rest" your nipples. The NHS notes this does not ease the pain and can affect your supply.

Pain that lasts beyond the first couple of weeks deserves a proper check. It is also one of the most common reasons mums stop sooner than they hoped, and it is very often fixable.

4. The emotional side nobody mentions

Breastfeeding is not only physical. The supply worries. The 3am feeds while the world sleeps. The sense that it all rests on you.

That weight is real, and it is okay to find it heavy.

Two experiences are worth knowing by name, so you never blame yourself for them:

D-MER (dysphoric milk ejection reflex): a sudden wave of sadness or dread that arrives seconds before your milk lets down, then fades within minutes. It is a hormonal reflex, not a feeling about your baby, and it may ease by around three months.

Breastfeeding aversion: a strong urge to unlatch, or a feeling of agitation, that lasts the whole time your baby is feeding. In a large Australian study, just over one in five mums had experienced it, more often with a first baby.

Neither one means you love your baby less. A lactation consultant can help.

5. When it starts to feel easier

For most mums, early pain eases after the first couple of weeks.

Little by little, the latch deepens and feeds get quicker. One day you notice you no longer need three pillows and a deep breath before each one.

Until then, keep water close, a fan on in our heat (more tips here), and wear soft clothing that opens easily.

The Bottom Line

Hard at the start does not mean it is not working. It means you are both learning.

If something hurts or feels heavy, reach out early. In Singapore, the KKH Lactation Service (6225 5554) and the Breastfeeding Mothers' Support Group hotline and WhatsApp (6339 3558) are good places to start.

However your feeding journey unfolds, your worth as a mum is not measured in feeds.

CTA: Read next: Mastitis and Blocked Ducts: How to Spot Them Early and Keep Breastfeeding

Learn More / Sources

1. KK Women's and Children's Hospital (SingHealth). Breastfeeding: Give Your Child a Headstart. Describes breastfeeding as an acquired skill that needs support, and lists KKH Lactation Service contacts.

2. NHS (UK). Breastfeeding: the first few days. Covers colostrum, how often newborns feed, and when milk comes in.

3. NHS (UK). Sore or cracked nipples when breastfeeding. Explains why soreness happens and the signs that mean it is time to get help.

4. Berens, P., Eglash, A., Malloy, M., Steube, A.M. and the Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine (2016). ABM Clinical Protocol #26: Persistent Pain with Breastfeeding. Breastfeeding Medicine, 11(2), 46-53. Early discomfort is common and usually eases; pain lasting beyond two weeks should be assessed.

5. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (2021). Committee Opinion No. 820: Breastfeeding Challenges. Obstetrics & Gynecology, 137(2), e42-e53. Notes that persistent pain and nipple injury are common reasons for stopping earlier than planned.

6. Australian Breastfeeding Association (2022). Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER). What D-MER feels like, why it is thought to happen, and how it can change over time.

7. Heise, A.M. and Wiessinger, D. (2011). Dysphoric milk ejection reflex: A case report. International Breastfeeding Journal, 6(6). The first published case report describing D-MER.

8. Morns, M.A., Burns, E., McIntyre, E. and Steel, A.E. (2023). The prevalence of breastfeeding aversion response in Australia: A national cross-sectional survey. Maternal & Child Nutrition, 19(4), e13536. A survey of 5,511 breastfeeding mums on how common aversion is.

9. HealthHub Singapore. Pregnancy, antenatal and postnatal services, support and helplines. Contact details for the Breastfeeding Mothers' Support Group (Singapore) and KKH Lactation Services.

Additional resources: Breastfeeding Mothers' Support Group (Singapore), La Leche League Singapore, La Leche League International, SGH Lactation Clinic.